"Old Mother Hubbard" is becoming a very fitting title for this Mama. No food, No option.. it's Tesco time! After convincing Noah that we are going on an adventure, to him then finding us rocking up in Tesco carpark, it's pretty obvious things are about to go tits up.
I park up and give myself a little minute to make a mental plan... in and out, avoid the magazine aisle and use the chocolate aisle as my bribe... I'm ready!
First job... Take on the role of the official wanker parking patroller. Oh here we go! Don't do it Danielle! Too late, the words are out.
"Excuse me sir? You seem to have left your child in the car? Oh, you don't have a child with you? Oh you believe that as you're over 65 you've earns the right to a free arsehole pass and you can park anywhere? I'm glad we've cleared that up! Have a nice day dickhead!"
A shake of the head to a fellow mama, who clearly hates the parking prick too, a quick mouth of the words "fucking knob" paired with a traditional eye roll and my blood pressure is restored, plus I've just made myself a new best friend. RESULT!
Time to choose a trolley. Oh great, wonky wheel! Well done Dan, you always attract them! Now, the lady behinds you is left questioning you're ability to look after your children as she observes you walking in some sort of "alcohol induced zig-zag" in a desperate attempt to control the frantic trolley, that you once again been partnered with. Seriously, what sort of trauma has this poor trolley been through which makes it so terrified to go in a straight fucking line! Add this to the fact that she's just heard me threatening my tiny human that I'm going to go without him if he doesn't hurry up. And the tutting begins! Shit shit shit... my true colours are showing, think of a plan quick! Apparently punching her in the face is not sociably acceptable? So plan 2...
*Enter Perfect Mother Mode*
Overly animated voice ✔️
Quickly remove the fruit shoots from your trolley ✔️
"Come on Sweetheart. What would you like for food?"
(Quick think of foods that sounds posh!)
"Salmon with a side of asparagus and dauphinoise potatoes darling?"
"Chicken Nuggets and waffles?" (FFS child play along)
"No honey, you've had that once this year already!" HAHA!!
A quick look back to see the tutter, oh she's smiling at me!! Hahaha!! Fool!
Smoke and mirrors my friends! Smoke and mirrors!
Then you remember... Free fruit!!!! Thank you Tesco Gods.. I'll just take two each of you don't mind.. you've just provided a "picnic" lunch! Big up to you!
Time to add my secret stash of chocolate to the trolley before eagle eyes spots them... under the eggs. That should do it.
Oh shit.. where the fuck is he?
"Noah?! Noah?!" Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Up and down the aisles, don't panic, don't lose your shit, he was with you two minutes ago. He's only got little legs, he can't have gone far.
"Mammy! Look what I got?"
Phew!!!!! Here he comes, arms full! Thank God!! Just play it cool, don't show anyone you that you actually lost your child!
Oh Jesus, what's he got now? Seven cucumbers?? No?? You've got to be shitting me! He doesn't even like fucking cucumber! Here we go..
"Put them back please. We don't need 7 cucumbers babe."
"AHHhHHHHHHH" Tears, arms flying, oh and a drop to the floor.. very effective!
"Shhhh!! Okay okay okay! Stop crying! Mammy will let you have them if you just stop crying! Quick chuck them in the trolley.! Let's add more, come on, 10, 12.. how many do you want? Waffles, you want waffles? Okay, Let's go get waffles!!"
Tantrum deactivated! Wow, I'm good!
Oh no, WTF is that smell?? Finley's as proud as a peacock there! Smiling at me! I swear he just waits until I'm in the most awkward situation and then BAM.. explosion! Okay he's happy, just pretend you haven't noticed and sort it when you get home.
Checkout, always find the lady who looks like she's in desperate need for some social interaction... she talks to the kids.. you do your thing... great job lady, 10 minutes of free childcare, I'll take that!
Almost there... Is there room in that family sized boot? You know there's not but do a quick check regardless . You instantly regret this as things start to jump out, welly boots, dirty nappy, mouldy bottle of milk ... okay let's just close the boot and pretend this never happened...
Front seat it is. Load it up, not forgetting to belt it up, because my, supposedly, clever car actually believes that my three bags of shopping is a small person! Resulting in that bloody beeping all the way home! Well, I am not making that mistake today!
Great! The concerned lady has just caught you seat belting your purchases into the passenger seat, this just confirms their concerns for your mental health. Avoid eye contact.
So you made it back to the car, kids quiet because you've given them a sample of the new snacks they are about to live off for the rest of the week. Amen for Ricecakes!
A quick check of the phone battery. Oh 80% result! It's nap time. Mama's driving the long way home! Good night boys!
You're now stranded in the car for the next 2 hours as there is no way you're moving them. Plus you love the "me time" that this situation brings. A quick stroll through Facebook and Instagram, followed but a bit of regret sinks on that you didn't get a drive through coffee... maybe next time!!