Great Expectations?... I Think Not!

I spend the majority of days rushing around like a blue arse fly in an attempt to make it to an event before it's finished. That's right, not early, not even on time anymore, just get there before it's ended. And do you know what? It's working surprising well!
You see the key is, low expectations! Expect very little of yourself and all of a sudden, you've excelled before you've even started! (Clever hey?!)
Anyway, back to the point I'm trying to make! I am always fucking late! No matter how early I wake up, get ready, organise before hand... late.. again!
And this is why;

Mamas, I give you "The process of leaving the house"
Okay so, because I try and be organised, I always get our clothes ready the night before. After my many pregnant months of sleepless nights, I came to the conclusion that this would be the solution to all of my worries. Dress the boys as soon as we're awake, pop them in the car and we are away to go!! HAHAHAHAHAHA fool!!!
So everyone's dressed, I of course am sporting a messy bun and yesterday's mascara because I still think it's got a day left in it, wipe off the wandering flake that's planted itself on my cheek and tah dah. Looks like new, well almost, but I really have no time to sort this face out, so I'm rolling with it.
Time to pack the bag. Oh no bottles aren't sterilised! Ahhh! Right fill the sink. At this point, Finley's turned into a glustick and just needs to be stuck to me. Sitting at my feet, crying. Arms up. I try and entertain him, singing, dancing, animated faces. Nope, not working Mammy. Right okay, up you come! He's landed! Attempt to wash the bottles with one hand. I'm soaking but the bottles are clean and in the steriliser.
Next job, shoes and coats, mine on, easy. Noah's, not so easy.. here we go! Mission leave the house begins! But why did I put my coat on? I'm boiling!
First get Noah to sit on the step to get his shoes on. He's sat down, oh no he's decided that he really really needs to hold his car "two minutes Mammy" (ahh ffs, why did I put my coat on I can't breathe?) Right he's back, car in hand. Shoes are on!
Next job coat, oh no, he's realised he has the blue car, he wanted the red "two minutes Mammy" (ah FFS)
He's back! Coat on, zipped up! Success!
Next job, crawlers turn. Easy, he can't run away, coat on. Job done.
Oh no, Noah's taken his shoes off, he NEEDS his wellies. Attempt to convince him that his brand new converse are the fastest coolest shoes I've ever laid eyes on. No? (Oh FFS) dirty wellies it is.
Okay right we are ready to go.
Baby in the car first, open the door. Oh WTF is that smell. Great, thanks crawler. Oh it's up your back? Of course it is! Right then back in the house, close the door. Another FFS moment and my coat has constrained my arms to movements of a T. rex.
Strip the baby off, no time for a bath, we are already late.
Attempt to clean this shit storm.
Oh great it's on my jeans, fuck it. Wet wipe. Jeans restored, back to the baby.
Now you see, had you given yourself great expectations, you'd be fucked at this point, but I solider on because I am WARRIOR..
Desperately find something in the drawers that fits him, as nothing is ironed. Okay got something. Doesn't fit but it's clean.
Right we are ready, I'm about to be strangled by my coat but I deal with it, I am ready after all!
Oh no. Noah's coat's off. Forget it, throw the coat in the car. Baby in.
Toddler in. Oh no!! Carseat?? The one I asked Scott to put in last night (Probably didn't but makes me feel better blaming him). Put toddler in the driving seat, he's happy! Car seat in, prise him away from the drivers seat with a half eaten chocolate I've just found in my pocket, along with some bullshit story that you're going to the most exciting place ever... Result, he's in!
A quick text to the hubby to tell him he's a prick because he didn't read my mind and put the car seat back in the car and now it's his fault we are late of course, and away to go.
Oh no. Back in, forgot the nappy bag. Ah great, I didn't put the bottles in! Shit!!! Run run run! Stop, jump out take the coat of because there is no chance in hell I can reverse in it!
Right we are ready. By this point we are already 25 mins late!
We finally get there:
Blood pressure restored ✔
Apology text sent to Hubby ✔
Congratulations, you made it there before it finished! What a Queen!

5 comments


  • Emma

    Love it!


  • leigh hill

    Amazing Dan so funny you’re spot on x x x


  • Karly

    Amazing!! I totally relate!


  • Alicia

    Absolute genius! Totally the way I roll too! But then you know that ;)


  • KAty

    Brilliant! ? X


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